For a good chunk of my life, particularly in the past year and a half since I dropped out of seminary, I have been working, strategizing, yearning, trying so hard to get my music out into the world. I released a new EP, hired a great PR company, went out on tour, wrote blogs, and took interviews with any media outlet that would give me the time of day. Then I got pregnant again, and I had to shift gears.
It was a fight at first, really tough — a real loss of control (ahem) — and not comfortable at all. In fact, it wasn’t until about two or three weeks ago, well into my second trimester, when I had a card reading from a good friend that I truly did slow down. The cards kept repeating the same thing, “Slow down! Stop strategizing! Have faith in your authenticity!”
I had a big cry, and my friend put me on a regimen to quiet my strategy brain. She encouraged me to try and stay in the creative moment rather than think of where that creation could lead me. Not an easy task when I had been in the habit of trying to make outcomes out of strategies. But eventually it began to click, and for the first time in a few years I felt like I had reconnected to the source/my source/God — whatever word you want to use. All the driving and striving had made me feel so disconnected from the whole. I would say that even during my time studying theology I had felt disconnected; I was constantly looking for external recognition through grades and scholarships.
Funny, this division in myself was hard to know, hard to feel, hard to see until I came back to embrace “my center” and to what truly feels authentic. Anyway, here I was in this open and receiving place, listening to Brian Greene talk to me on my iPod Nano about the soul magic of math, parallel realities, free will. I was in that place of “all potentials are possible.” And then my Nano randomly skips to “Anointed,” my voice and chords from those many years back. I had written this song during my previous pregnancy — another time when I was feeling connected to something much larger than myself, like a true vessel for creation.
“There is no control, but every thing’s fallen from grace…” Yes, perhaps there is no free will as Dr. Greene says, but could it be possible that when we “open up our palms” and release the strategy, we are gifted with blessing? And couldn’t a blessing be one of the mathematic potentials Brian speaks of? Perhaps our only control is to attempt to let go? That sounds quite whacky I realize, but to me there is something incredibly elegant and graceful about that equation.
Make space + release the hold + take action from the heart = a blessing miracle.
Who knows? But that is what happened to me. After the experience with Dr. Greene and my Nano, I went straight home to share — from my heart, not from my head (such a stark difference!) — with Krista on Twitter. And lo and behold, look what happened. She replied and one of my greatest dreams came true: through my art and spirit, to connect with all of you.
How far must we fall,
Before we stand tall again?
Where is this ground,
To catch us as we begin,
To hold us as we dig in?